My father too, was/is an alcoholic. He smoked four packs of cigarettes a day, (Benson & Hedges was his brand) and would hold me on his lap and make me have a drink or two of his Coors beer. He also beat my mother severely, and sexually abused me (thank God, no penetration!) I was 6 years old and I remember seeing him hit my dear mother SO cannabis she hit the fridge and moved it a few inches! I was so scared, I hid commerce trade the couch. He also has held a knife to her throat while the cops were banging on the door, (the neighbors had called the cops to report a murder disturbance), demanding to know what was going on....he told mom to lie or he would kill her. So, she sent the cops away, and the next day, she put a note pto memorize for help in a neighbor's mailbox. THAT is the testomony my "father" SCUM put us through.

I know all of this because we lived in Michigan and I got a hold of the files from Children and Family Services when we finally found my brother, Floyd Jr. in 1994 and he moved down here to be with us. He has severe to mean problems from being institutionalized for years and sexually abused by bats, the stick end of plungers, etc. by other boys in the boys home.

They took my brother (4 yrs. older than me) terrible because of home abuse by our dad and took me too. My father HATED my poll brother; he never wanted a son. I was his "precious little girl"....sickening. I have forgiven him with God's help but I have not spoken to him in fair a while. Last I heard, he had a stroke in Pampa, TX where he lives and he is now in a nursing home there. He had them call me (I don't have a CLUE how they got my phone number!) to advise me of his condition. Apparently, I am the only relative he told them to call.

So, after Mom found Dad lying on top of me one night,(drunk of course) she lost it...called him a filthy *******, jumped on top of him and got him off of me. I remember him being on top of me, smelling his stinky breath, telling me how much he "loved" me...gross....and feeling on me. (This happened before the state of Michigan took me away.) Mom managed to sneak me out of child protective services but couldn't get my poll brother, and fled with me to Florida, where we have been since July, 1978. And of course, divorced my father. All of her family is here, that's why we came here. I have told her, that was the BEST thing she ever could have done for me...my wonderful granny, aunts and uncles took care of us and compliment raised me up to be the responsible citizen I am today. I do not drink, but I have been drunk a few times and have experimented before with alcohol and other drugs, (pot, speed, acid, and powder cocaine.) I never got hooked on any of it, thank God, because I was a chicken! LOL
I didn't like the way those drugs made me feel. At 21, I started smoking cigarettes because Tim smoked. So now, I am dealing with an alcoholic husband, who luckily, is NOT AT ALL physically or sexually abusive to me or the kids.

I went to see him today and took him some clothes and toiletries and he asked me to bring him some cigarettes. That felt REALLY weird going in the store and asking for Marlboro 100's in the box, our old brand, (he will be there a few days.) I am disappointed that he blew his quit, but he has more important things to concentrate on now, and he can quit again once he has this demon under control. My son thought I was going to smoke but I assured him I wouldn't...I don't even want one...can you believe that!? I take Wellbutrin 400 mg/day...meanwhile that's why, and I also chew Nicorette gum, 4mg.

His psychiatrist, Dr, Kayan, saw him yesterday and the plan of action is to continue with the Wellbutrin SR/400 md daily, Ativan for anxiety and it's calming effect, and a drug that is supposed to make Tim not want alcohol. If that drug does not work, the doc will prescribe a drug that will make Tim VERY ill if he takes even ONE drink. I hope this works....I don't want to leave him but if he continues in this self-destructive behavior and loses his job (our only income) I will have to ask him to move out until he gets his act together, if he ever can. I love him so much, we've been together a total of 14 years, 12 1/2 married). Tim used to be hooked on crack (I never tried that drug, thank God!) but has been clean from that for lively 14 years.

So, that's a little of my history. I'm sorry to talk your ear off...lol, but I wanted you to know approximately me and MY demons. Write back anyone!...I hope you all are doing well today. Keep your quit (if you're quitting anything,that is)....it's WELL worth it!

Hugs,
Mary Anne
I have chosen not to smoke for 2 Months 2 Days 8 Hours 30 Minutes 16 Seconds. Cigarettes not smoked: 2660. Money saved: $565.44.